• Andrea Bessa

The reason why you're always lonely.

Photo by Sarah Savile Photography

There's a difference between social support and social connection. Social support has more to do with resources that help us through, while social connection is feeling safe with another human.


Our nervous systems felt sense of safety is shaped by our early childhood experiences. Some of us had predictable, warm, human contact, which means we were given the opportunity to tune to connection and that that connection was safe. Some of us didn't and our nervous systems were tuned to protection instead (because connection wasn’t safe). Luckily for us it doesn't always have to be this way. We can learn to re-tune our nervous systems for more safe and social living.


We can reshape our nervous systems to looks for cues of safety and experience that feeling of safety instead of looking for danger instead. When we do this, social connection becomes possible. It not only feels safer to be in the world, but we can find social connection a lot more easily. Which means... Our perception of loneliness changes (perception has been found to make a greater impact on our nervous systems rather than actual concrete loneliness). We don't have to feel alone in a crowded room because the crowded room doesn't feel as unsafe anymore.


Social connection is necessary for our survival (it's why there's so many of us experiencing declining health- we just feel so alone). It's okay to need people because we are hardwired for connection. So notice who you feel safe with and how that feels in your body because connection is the stepping stone for healing. Always.

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